Turbo Sue
by GBRK
Summary: Kokoro no Kickass is not a Mary Sue. She is a Turbo Sue. She is the sue to end all sues, the sue prophesized by the ancients and heralded by omens as portentous as they are unfathomable. Fear her. Warning: this character scored a 281 on the Mary Sue litmus test. Things are going to get bad. SI. Sorta. Not really. Or at all.
1. Chapter 1

"I think it's kicking!"

* _Splort.*_

A foot punched through Deidara's belly.

Sasori looked down in a mixture of awe, envy, and what could potentially be construed as a deep longing for creme-filled pastries, which he could no longer indulge in, being like Pinnochio, but without the mokuton.

The same wasn't true for Deidara's child, though, at least as far as the without-the-mokuton part went, seeing as Sasori's partner was rapidly being consumed by fast-growing hashirama wood, his skin bulging and rippling as Deidara's child of gay man lust converted his cells into organic material.

From the fissure, stepped out a baby with a rinne sharingan in one eye, and a tenseigan in the other.

Because ninja conveniently also speak english (why? because plot, that's why), Sasori was able to gaze in fascinated horror as the infant spoke her demonic chant.

"I am Kokoro no Kickass, champion of justice! On behalf of the moon, I will right wrongs and triumph over evil, and that means you!"

From her newborn state, this "Kokoro" transformed into the kind of girl you'd see on racy fanservice manga, at precisely whatever age it took to be legal in your jurisdiction.

Maybe he shouldn't have ignored the burning pillars of hellfire telling him to abort the child. Eh, probably wouldn't have worked anyways.

"I was reincarnated for two reasons- kicking ass, and kicking _even more ass._ Shinra Tensei: Ultra Version!"

Two akatsuki members down, eight to go.

Iruka beamed at his new favorite student. "That's an excellent clone technique! You pass!"

For all that Kokoro had only been in his class for three weeks, after showing up under mysterious circumstances in the ANBU archives and convincing the Hokage to let her become a leaf ninja after she had charmed him with her feminine whiles (A/N: no, it's spelled like that because I say so, shut up).

It was a little irregular, sure, but Iruka couldn't bring himself to care. It helped that the girl already had all eight nature transformations mastered (the natures of Aether, Gravity, and One Direction Merchandise having been discovered by her last week), as well as the wood, ice, blast, dust, and lava kekkei genkei.

She smiled a radiant, inviting, open (yet somehow still sultry) smile at him, and Iruka had to remind himself that he was gay for Kakashi to prevent him from making a move on her.

"Dattebayo! You're so cool!"

Kokoro fastened her hot pink and also somehow blood red/midnight black headband to her forehead (yes, it looks cool, check my deviantart), and graciously accepted her chuunin vest, jounin cigarette, ANBU katana, and hokage-candidate credit card.

"Shut up, dobe." Sasuke slapped naruto on the back of his head, and resumed staring at Kokoro with a dopey, lovestruck expression on his face.

In days past, Sakura would have been furious at her object of desire pining after her object of desire, but her respect for the girl had grown too great for that. Now, she had resigned herself, with a degree of excitement, even, to be a mere stepping stone for her glorious Kokoro-sama-senpai. She had been comparing notes with the other girls in class, even, so they would be better prepared to server Kokoro.

"Alright, Naruto, you're up!" Iruka watched fondly (although not quite as fondly) as his second-favorite student jumped with boundless enthusiasm to the front of the class."

"Ttebane! Alright! I speak only in exclamation marks!"

Naruto made a handsign, and four clones popped into existence.

"Wow, was that the shadow clone technique?"

"Yeah! Kore! Kokoro-sensei-sama-senpai taught it to me! I'm really good (but not as good as Kokoro-sensei-senpai-sama-san at it!"

Iruka chuckled. Turning to face the rest of the class, he decided to make his announcement. "Thanks to a tipoff from Kokoro-chan, we don't actually need to have genin tests this year, so I'll just announce who gets which jounin."

"Team Seven! Sakura, Sasuke, and Naruto. You'll be under Kakashi, and have Kokoro as your attaché."

His next few teams were drowned out by naruto's excited screaming, chest beating, and poop flinging. "Desu! We're all on the same team!"

Sasuke heard a small voice telling him to yell at the dobe, but his ecstasy as being on the same team as Kokoro-sensei-senpai-sama-san-taicho overrode that. The newly formed team seven strode walked out of the room, Kokoro in the lead, pausing only to give a middle finger to Mizuki's cooling corpse. In Sasuke's humble opinion, the "traitor" scrawled on Mizuki's pockmarked forehead in blood and maggots was a nice touch.

"Are you sure your team is ready to go on a C-rank (that will inevitably turn A-rank), Kakashi? It's only been six hours since I assigned them to you."

"I have the utmost confidence in my team. That is to say, I have the utmost confidence that Kokoro will save our asses. Her last name _is_ Asskicker, after all."

Zabuza of the mist, A-rank badass of the seven swordsmen of the mist, the butcher of kirigakure, cried like a small child into Kokoro's (of legal age) bosom.

"I-I'm s-so _sorry._ " He sobbed. "I j-just wanted someone to love!" he wailed.

"Shh, shh, it's okay." Kokoro's voice was gentle, in contrast to the Kubikiribocho she held in her left hand (because not only is she a badass, she's an ambidextrous badass). "You have Haku. He (She?) loves you."

"Wisely, Haku refrained from confessing her (his?) love for Kokoro.

"T-thank you so much." Zabuza wiped away his tears, and kneeled in front of Kokoro. "Forsooth, know that whenever you may call on me, fair lady, I will endeavor to make my pitiful self available for you, for whatever you require, no matter how small. You have melted my insouciant heart, and I now possess only the greatest love for all mankind."

"Kuchiyose no jutsu!" A white steed appeared, which Zabuza quickly mounted. "Come, my squire! we shall raise money for charitable causes by wearing revealing clothing, wiggling our hips, and crooning about love in an oversimplified way so as to extract money from the mothers of our key demographic: seven to thirteen year old girls. Hyaah!"

Tazuna cried in joy, and even Sakura, who carried Kakashi's dead body on her petite shoulders, straightened at the heartwarming scene.

"With your help, the Great Kokoro no Kickass Bridge will succeed!"

Kokoro smiled at them, and their hearts all throbbed (but in a lovey-dovey way, not in a regular heart-throbby way).

Ever sensible, Sasuke thought to ask, "now that Kakashi is dead, will you be training us?"

Kokoro considered it, but decided otherwise. She shook her head. "Come," then Sakura got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. I mean Kokoro. Same difference.

"Outer Path — Saṃsāra of Heavenly Life Technique!"

Kakashi rose from the dead, shiny and chrome. Sakura gasped. "You didn't just make him better, you made him _better!"_

A/N: You may ask: "how could a newborn pronounce something so long, when they don't have teeth?" The answer is because fuck you, that's why.

You may also ask: "why was Deidara with Sasori, when Deidara doesn't join the akatsuki until around shippuden?" The answer is self evident, and because you don't get it, you're obviously not intelligent enough to criticize my story, so be sure to avoid breeding.


	2. Chapter 2

Where the details are fluid and the fluids are detailed.

~oOo~

He was resplendent.

He was _redepslendent._

Kokoro knew she had created her greatest creation so far. A man with a body of steel, and a heart also of steel.

"Beam me up, Kakashi!"

Pillars of metal as thick around as a baby's forearm exploded from his body, wrapping gingerly around Kokoro, Naruto, and Sasuke. That bint, Sakura, got impaled. No one cared.

Kakashi used his new shape-shifting skills to become a walking spider tank, each stride eating up dozens of miles. Kokoro, already in sailor fuku, was the clear choice for captain. She surveyed the landscape as the foggy wilderness of bland country turned into the foggy wilderness of fire country.

"BOGEY SIGHTED NORTH NORTHEAST."

Kokoro nodded imperiously to Sasuke, silently judging him for the slovenly way he wore his flight attendant's uniform.

"Naruto! get that anti-air battery into position, Sasuke-" here she pivoted smartly and clasped his face with her hands. " _I am your god._ "

He shuddered in horror and pleasure. He denied Kokoro three times, but in vain. His eyes crawled out of his head, and segmented dendrites poked their way out of his eye sockets.

"I LIVE ONLY TO SERVE."

Kokoro pulled back on the joystick and hit the afterburners, Kakashi hitting mach 2 in a matter of seconds despite being inclined nearly straight up.

Their pursuer wasn't dissuaded.

That was okay.

Sasuke dropped off of kakashi's back, endlessly self-replicating into a morass of indistinct biological matter.

The atmosphere distorted as the pursuer came into contact with Sasuke, a massive shockwave seen, if not felt, from Kokoro's supersonic perch.

All for naught.

Her pursuer came even faster, undaunted by the fleshy roadblock. From barely a speck, he grew into a black cowled figure.

Each word was a thunderclap, air expelled so quickly the speed of sound was merely a suggestion made by a nagging in-law whom you despised and owed money too.

"I am the Hideaz the Jet Black! Fueled by hatred, hatred I will use to destroy you from the inside out!"

Kokoro sneered, and casually took the opening stance of the strong fist (A/N: which she copied from Lee last chapter. Continuity, baby!). The combatants stared at each other, alone on the dusty ground.

Movement.

A blinding flurry of punches and kicks, precise timing leading to a preternatural synchronization of their blows, almost as if they were ordered specifically to some awesome soundtrack, or synchronized with a movie, or performed by a veteran choreographer. An Awesome Movie Veteran, if you will.

They blew apart, sand briefly obscuring the two combatants from each other. Kokoro took the chance to cast a sealless genjutsu.

A malignant power exploded from her opponent, blowing the dust away.

Twisted laughter came from Hideus's mouth, as his eyes turned wildly in their sockets. " **You've fought well, girl, but not well enough. My hatred will melt your chakra coils into unrecognizable slurry!** "

His chakra blotted out the fading light, shaped into manifold implements. At speeds such that even her tenseigan had trouble perceiving them, they rushed directly towards her. She smiled.

Just before the chakra rudely intruded into her personal bubble, Kakashi appeared directly in front of her. The chakra was completely absorbed. Kakashi grew a cherry red, but stayed structurally intact.

" **How! How can you thwart my ultimate attack!** "

"Because…"

Kokoro struck a dashing pose.

"JET FUEL CAN'T mmmmhmhfffmfffmhhhmhmhhhmmfffmfmfm-"

Katy gasped, as her friend Allison mercifully removed her hand from her mouth.

Allison rolled her eyes. "It's bad enough that you're daydreaming all the time, we don't need people thinking you're a conspiracy theorist too. C'mon, lunch is over soon, we need to get to math." Allison smiled, and gave a short laugh. "And I know you have a crush on the guy two seats in front of you."

Katy's embarrassed denial was summarily ignored.


End file.
